Homer's Excellent Adventure Read online

  The sun was just coming up in the east, and Odysseus shouted, “There she is! The beautiful shining star of Ithaca! Men, we are home!”

  I barely got a glimpse of Ithaca as I ran to the deck. Dory was already awake, up there watching. On the horizon sat a green, lush island, sparkling in the morning light. Ithaca! After so long. And from here, I’d be able to take my story and go home.

  The men erupted with cheers, but their cheers were drowned out as the wind started to howl. And the sky darkened and the clouds swirled. And the wind that had been pushing us toward Ithaca turned. The men ran to the oars and pulled against the water, but it was no use. The eastward and southward and northward winds blew, and nothing, not even the strength of fifty men rowing, was enough.

  Ithaca slowly drifted out of sight, and the ships rocked on the waves. The guys rolled up the sails to keep them from tearing in the torrential wind, and then we tied down everything and hid below deck.

  I don’t know. I lost count. But it felt like the wind blew us for years. I know it wasn’t that long. It was maybe only a few days. A week. But at the end of the week, when the winds finally settled down after their escape from the bag, Ithaca was gone. So were my dreams of getting home to Mom anytime soon.

  Of course, nobody ’fessed up to opening the bag. We found it discarded in a heap on the deck. We also found holes in the sails, torn by the fierce wind. Odysseus prayed to Aeolus again, begging the Keeper of the Winds to gift us again. We threw offerings over the side, but the floating island never appeared. We were on our own.

  A MONTH WENT BY WITH NO LAND. NONE. LIKE NOT even a rocky little hill in the middle of nowhere. And yes, our food ran short. Dory had the men fishing every other day. And on the days they weren’t fishing, she had them cutting and drying the fish so it would stay edible. She was also onto this whole seaweed kick. The stuff tasted like mud flavored taffy, but she insisted that it had lots of nutrients since it lived in the sea.

  After the month, we finally spotted land. Polites yelled from up in the crow’s nest, but then he hurried down as much as his leg would let him.

  “It’s very rocky,” he told Odysseus. “I’ve never seen such terrain.”

  “Bard,” Odysseus said.

  I hurried over to him with my scroll and pen.

  “What do you know of a rocky island to the west?” he asked.

  Had he not figured out yet that I knew a whole bunch of nothing? It was like Odysseus thought this storyteller thing gave me some sort of eternal knowledge. This was the first story I’d ever written.

  “Not much.” I didn’t want to muster up the effort to make him think I knew what I was talking about.

  “No stories of a rocky island?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “Not yet. But I’ll be sure to record every detail.”

  “Good,” Dory said. “I love how you’re taking initiative like that.”

  I didn’t bother responding, but it was funny how the more details I added, the better the story got.

  “I’ve heard rumors of a rocky island,” this guy everyone called Fish said, wandering over with another guy. We called the second guy The Guy Who Hangs out with Fish since they were always together. Fish had a giant piece of—you guessed it—fish wrapped in seaweed on a stick, and grease dripped down his beard. It was like hygiene was the last concern of anyone onboard.

  Odysseus turned to the guy. “What rumors, Fish?”

  Fish stood up a little straighter and wiped his chin with his sleeve. “It is an island protected by sharks. Inhabited by flesh eaters. They drink the blood of their victims and build houses from their bones.”

  The Guy Who Hangs out with Fish said, “Do they have anything to eat besides fish and seaweed on the island?”

  Seriously? What was wrong with this guy? He’d just heard about blood sucking cannibals, and he wanted to hang out and have afternoon tea with them?

  “We should be cautious,” Odysseus said.

  “We should check it out,” The Guy Who Hangs out with Fish said.

  “Do you think they’ve spotted us yet?” Fish asked.

  Polites shook his head. “We’re still pretty far out. If we wait until it gets dark, we can slip up to the shore and hide in the coves.”

  So that’s what we did. All twelve boats anchored until the sun went down. Then, under the cover of darkness, we rowed until we neared the rocky shore. Of course, the cove that we found was only big enough for one ship. Our boat moved into the cove, and the others anchored as near to the rocks as possible without actually smashing into them. The guys were most excellent sailors, as much as I like to point out their less redeeming qualities.

  Odysseus picked three guys to go check out the alleged vampire flesh eaters. Since Fish seemed to be the local expert on this place, he went along with Eurylochus and Polites.

  I grabbed my scroll and filled my pen with fresh ink.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” Dory asked.

  “Going with them,” I said.

  “No, you’re not,” Dory said. “Did you not hear the part about the cannibals?”

  I laughed. “Like that’s true. That completely has to be an urban legend. Cannibals? And blood drinkers? Who does that? That’s crazy talk. I’m going to get the real story. And I certainly can’t trust these guys to get it for me.”

  “What if it’s not an urban legend and they eat you for breakfast?”

  “People don’t eat people,” I said. “That’s just weird.”

  “Then why is there even a word like cannibal?” Dory said.

  It was a good point. I hated to admit that.

  “That’s the kind of word parents make up to scare their kids at night. Like boogeyman. Or Chupacabra. They aren’t real.”

  “Whatever, Homer,” she said and grabbed an empty sack from the storeroom.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Coming with you,” Dory said.

  “No, you’re not.”

  Dory crossed her arms. “If you go, I’m going.”

  “It’s not safe,” I said.

  “You just said it was,” Dory said.

  “I meant that it was safe for me, not for a gi—”

  “You better be saying gorilla,” Dory said. “Now let’s go.”

  There was no arguing with Dory. But I also wasn’t willing to stay here and miss out on the story.

  We trailed after the three guys, staying far enough away that we could hide if we needed to. Fish led the way, like some kind of brave explorer. He took a path up the rocky hillside until he came to a well. And at the well, was a super cute girl with short blond hair and a bright red dress and gold necklaces and bracelets covering her.

  She saw all of us approaching, even me and Dory, since it was too late to hide by the time we saw her. A giant smile beamed on her face, and she waved.

  “Hi!” she said, hurrying over toward us. “It’s so nice to see you!” Her words were so bubbly, they almost popped out of her mouth.

  “We come in peace,” Fish said.

  It was such a dorky thing to say. I wanted to crawl under a rock.

  The girl giggled. “Of course you do. Lamos is a peaceful island. The city of Telepylus where I live has remained at peace for centuries. Centuries. That’s a really long time.”

  Eurylochus elbowed Fish. “See, I told you there were no cannibals here.”

  Confusion clouded the girl’s face. “Cannibals?”

  Polites shook his head. “It’s nothing. So, this is Lamos?”

  “Sure,” the bubbly girl said. “You’ll love it here. Come on. I’ll take you to meet my dad. He’s the king. That means he’s important. Really important.”

  “Maybe we should get King Odysseus,” Fish said. “You know, because kings like to meet other kings. They can do kingly things.”

  “You’re not alone?” the girl said.

  “Oh, no,” Fish said. “There are a whole bunch of us. Twelve whole ships of fifty men each.”

  “That is
so many people,” the girl said. “Like a whole lot. Now come on.”

  She led us down through a valley and up to the top of another hill. I kept waiting to see some magnificent palace like Aeolus had, so when we came to this hovel that looked like it had been carved out of the hillside, I was a little surprised.

  “Where’s the palace?” Fish said.

  She grabbed his arm and squeezed it, like she was feeling how strong he was. “This is the palace. My family loves the earth. Really loves it. We’re all about recycling and stuff like that. But I’m sure my parents, you know, the king and queen, can tell you way more about that. They know everything. Everything.”

  If that was true, if they really knew everything, maybe they could also tell us the fastest way to Ithaca.

  We went inside the rock palace. There was a bench not far from the door, so I sank down and started writing. I didn’t want to forget all this stuff. Dory plunked down next to me.

  “I love how concerned they are about recycling,” she said. “We should do more of that on the ships.” She hated how the guys just tossed the bones and skin and everything overboard when they were done. According to Dory, there were a million uses for things like that.

  The three guys went ahead with the girl to meet the king and queen. I wrote down all the noteworthy things about the island, like the recycling thing and the cave palace. At least we’d debunked the urban legend. Once I was done, I sat my pen down on the bench beside me. Except it left a huge dark smear, and I tried to wipe it up. But the more I tried, the deeper into the bench it went. And the bench was bright white. Gods above, I hoped no one would notice.

  But then I looked a little closer at the bench. At the edges.

  “Dory,” I said.

  “Yeah?”

  “What does this bench look like it’s made of?”

  Dory skinned fish every day. She knew in a second. “Bones,” she whispered, and that’s when we heard the scream.

  We bolted up from the bench and ran down the hall, looking for a place to hide. There was a doorframe made from more bones, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. We dashed inside, narrowly avoiding footsteps from out in the hall. They pounded on the floor, like elephants. I dared to peek, then I wished I hadn’t.

  Twenty giants marched past. Like real giants. Sure, they looked kind of like me and Dory in that they had two arms and two legs and a head. That sort of thing. But they were twice as tall as us and had teeth that had been sharpened into spikes.

  “They must be around here somewhere,” one of the giants said, a lady giant, I think. “She said she left them in the entryway.”

  Fires of Hades, they were looking for us. We ducked back into the room where we hid. My heart pounded so hard, I was sure it would give our hiding place away. But then everything got really quiet all of a sudden. We dashed out.

  “We need to find the guys,” Dory said.

  No sooner were we out in the hallway, the scream came again, but was quickly squelched, like someone had … Well, I didn’t want to hypothesize. Turns out the truth was worse than anything I could have imagined.

  “Run, young friends!” Polites yelled, coming around the corner, his long braids flying behind him. “Run as fast as you can!”

  From the way he ran, no one would have ever guessed that he had a bum leg. Eurylochus wasn’t far behind him.

  We dashed from the palace, but the giants were right on our heels.

  “They ate Fish! The Laestrygonians. They ate Fish!” Eurylochus screamed, shoving his way past us all. “The queen. She drank his blood!”

  That explained why Fish wasn’t with them. I felt kind of sad for Fish but also really happy for myself that I was still alive. I didn’t want to be eaten by cannibals.

  “Make for the ships!” Polites said, and we bounded down the rocky shore.

  The giants didn’t follow us. Instead, they picked up humongous rocks and threw them. The rocks smashed down the hillside, barely missing us. They bounced and flew through the air and smashed into the boats below. We ran so fast, I was sure that I’d lose my balance and tumble to my death if a rock didn’t hit me first, but we made it to the bottom and ran for the cove.

  “Cast off!” Polites cried, and Odysseus commanded his men into action.

  But then I tripped on a rock, and my scroll slipped from my hand, falling down a crevasse. I hurried to my feet and leaned over, reaching my hand as far into the hole in the ground as I could. I almost had it. Just a little bit more.

  “Come on, Homer!” Dory called. She and Polites and Eurylochus were already on board, and the ship was pulling away from the cove quickly. But I was not leaving without this scroll. I might as well be eaten by these Laestrygonians. I stretched the tiniest bit more. My fingers brushed against the edge of the scroll and then curled around it. Success!

  I tucked it under my arm and ran. Already the ship was ten feet away. They were leaving without me. I was not going to make it. And to make matters worse, sharks surfaced in the water. I couldn’t wade through it or swim. One shark spotted me. It opened its mouth and waited.

  I backed up, and with a running start, I ran for the water, and I jumped.

  An eternity passed as I flew through the air. I was sure I wasn’t going to make it. The scroll started to slip from under my arm, but I clenched it down, holding it in place. If I survived, I was taking this scroll with me.

  My feet landed hard … on solid deck. I fell to the wood and kissed it, not caring that it looked completely stupid. I was alive. But that wasn’t true for so many others. No other ships pulled out of the harbor. Ours was the only one left.

  CHEESEBURGER IN PARADISE

  IN THE DAYS THAT PASSED, I TRIED NOT TO THINK OF the guys on the other eleven ships. It wasn’t easy, losing that many people. I didn’t know most of their names. That didn’t matter. They were still friends. Companions on our journey. But when I did think of them—when I thought of the ships—here’s what I imagined.

  Their sleek black ships sailed through the water, bright blue sails billowing in the wind. The breeze carried them down the River Styx and across to the Elysian Fields. And when they disembarked, all their loved ones stood there waiting for them. Their children ran to them. Their wives embraced them. The sun shone in the sky overhead. Ladies walked around with trays of food, huge hunks of meat dripping with melted cheese piled high on bread, deep fried potato slices, and gelato. And the guys were content. Truly at peace.

  But I tried not to think about it very often.

  GOING PORCINE

  I LOST TRACK OF TIME. SAND SLIPPED THROUGH THE hourglass, still on its second rotation. But since the hourglass was Ionia time, not the time we were really in, I made marks on the scroll, counting days, then weeks. Then the weeks turned into months. We sailed across the sea, never spotting land. Never spotting anything. Until one day, Polites shouted from the crow’s nest. Finally. Something.

  No, it wasn’t Ithaca. Even I knew that. I’d seen a glimpse of Ithaca before the winds blew us away. But on this shore, the beach was white sand, and the sun was shining, and best of all, even from out on the water, the guys spotted the herds of animals roaming around. Gazelles and deer and antelope.

  “We’re eating venison tonight!” this guy we called Ear shouted. Ear lost his—you guessed it—left ear back in Troy, hence the nickname. Supposedly he’d lost it not while fighting against the enemy but in a bet against friends. Or I guess they weren’t really friends since they made good on the bet.

  My stomach growled in reply. The thought of something—anything—besides fish and seaweed was enough to make me want to jump overboard and swim for shore immediately. Except then I remembered the sharks. I planned to never jump a shark again in my life.

  Everywhere we’d been, something had gone wrong. Well, except for the floating island. I’d go back there any day.

  “You’re just saying that because Beta kissed you,” Dory said.

  “Not true,” I said, though I was pretty sure I tur
ned bright red. The same color as Beta’s dress. I shook my head to clear the image.

  “She kissed you on the cheek,” Dory said. “I saw it.”

  “That doesn’t count,” I said. “A tiny peck on the cheek is not a real kiss.”

  This was a complete lie. It felt like a real kiss. Not that I’d had a lot of real kisses to compare it to. Okay, none. But I didn’t write that down because when Elder Pachis read this story, he had no reason to know anything about the lack of my love life.

  Eurylochus and Odysseus noodled over who should go ashore. They both wanted to lead the expedition, and since they were both more stubborn than minotaurs, neither would give in. So finally, they drew straws to decide. Eurylochus won.

  “I’ll take twenty men and Polites,” Eurylochus said. “We’ll search the island. Decide if it’s safe.”

  “Bring the bard,” Odysseus said. “And the cook.”

  After the cannibals thing, a big part of me never wanted to leave the ship again. But if I stayed here instead of going along, I’d have to depend on Eurylochus for secondhand information. I didn’t want to depend on him for anything.

  I gave a half-hearted attempt to convince Dory to stay on board, but she completely ignored me. So the twenty guys, Dory, Eurylochus, Polites, and I set out on a small boat and landed on the beach.

  Immediately the animals started for us. That’s when we discovered our mistake. The animals weren’t all a bunch of veggie eaters like we’d thought. Lions and wolves joined the herd.

  Eurylochus pulled out his sword. “Behind me, Bard.”

  I was glad he valued my life. Or maybe he just wanted to be made famous also.

  But the lions and wolves didn’t attack. Instead they walked forward and started rubbing up against the guys like they wanted their heads scratched. The guys looked from one to another, and then a couple of them did start scratching the animals between the ears.