Homer's Excellent Adventure Read online

  “What kind of stories?” another guy said. He’d spent a lot of the year on Circe’s island patching the men’s clothes, so everyone called him Tailor. He was also the one who made sure Odysseus’ yellow tunic looked brand new no matter how many time he ripped it.

  “Stories about what they will do to men if they catch them,” Polites said.

  “And what’s that?” Skinner said. But he said it with a stupid smile on his face, like he thought the killer mermaids were going to bring them milk and cookies instead of sucking them dry.

  “They devour them, bit by bit,” Polites said. “One finger after another. They take their time. And the entire time, while they do this, they sing a song.”

  “A song!” I said. “I know what you’re talking about.”

  Polites looked at me and raised his visible eyebrow, inviting me to tell more. So I did. I leaned my elbows back on the deck and told the guys what I knew.

  “They’re the Sirens,” I said. “I learned about them in school. They wait by the water, sitting on the rocks. And when ships sail by, they sing to the men.”

  “Music doesn’t sound so bad,” Tailor said. “Sometimes it helps me concentrate.”

  I shook my head. “This is how they draw victims. They sing to them, such amazing music—and no, before you guys ask, I don’t know what it sounds like. But they sing it, and men become hypnotized. They jump into the water, and that’s when the sirens attack.”

  “So they are killer mermaids,” Skinner said.

  “Yeah,” I said. “But they weren’t always. Rumors have it that they used to be best friends with Persephone.”

  “I love Persephone,” Pork said. “Like if I could meet a goddess, that’s who it would be. Anyone who can put up with Hades and the Underworld has to be pretty hot.”

  “No pun intended,” Dory said.

  I’m not sure half the guys got the joke, but they all laughed.

  “So, they were her best friends, and they were there when Hades took Persephone away,” I said. “And what I learned was that her mom, Demeter, was so mad at them that she turned them into monsters.”

  “Pretty monsters who sing,” Tailor said. He still didn’t get it.

  “Seems kind of unfair of Demeter,” Dory said.

  I’d thought the same thing when I heard the story, back in school, but I kept my mouth shut. I wasn’t going to get another god or goddess mad at us. But I couldn’t believe that I remembered the story. It was like now that I thought about it, I’d actually learned a lot more than I realized I had. Elder Pachis would be impressed … if I ever made it home.

  “Enough talk, men,” Odysseus said. “We will be reaching the waters of the Sirens very soon.”

  So, we went with his plan. The guys tied Odysseus to the mast, making sure to double and triple knot all the ropes. Then, they stuffed wax in their ears.

  “Tie me up,” I said to Dory, handing her a giant coil of rope.

  “No way, Homer,” she said, and she handed me some wax.

  I balled the wax in my fist. “Yes, way. I’m supposed to be writing this story. And if I have my ears plugged, I won’t know what’s going on. So, you have to tie me up.”

  “I’ll tell you later,” she said.

  I shook my head. “No way. You need to plug your ears.”

  “No, Homer. I don’t.”

  “Don’t be stupid. Of course you do. Did you not hear the part about them making men jump to their death?” I said.

  “I heard it perfectly,” Dory said. “The Sirens make ‘the men’ jump to their death.”

  Oh. Yeah. That was true.

  “Okay, fine. Then just tie me up and pretend to tie yourself up, too, just in case the guys are watching.”

  So that’s what we did. Dory tied me to a mast near the back of the boat. She made sure the ropes were extra tight. Probably tighter than they needed to be. And then she tied herself next to me, looping the rope loosely around her waist and hands.

  Then we waited.

  SIREN’S SONG

  THE MUSIC BEGAN LIKE A WHISPER ON THE WAVES …

  “I like that,” Dory said. “It sounds so poetic.”

  “Thanks. I’m still working on the Dactylic Hexameter part of it,” I said, and I went back to my writing.

  The music began like a whisper on the waves, so faint I almost thought it was the wind. But as we sailed closer to the island, a melody formed and reached my ears. I was immediately filled with the deepest contentment I’d ever felt in my life. Like I knew, more than anything in the world, that everything was going to be okay. Dad. Mom. Odysseus. Everything would work out.

  The guys didn’t even acknowledge the song. They went on about their sailing duties, doing things like making sure the ship didn’t smash against the rocks and other important stuff like that. As for Odysseus, his face looked exactly how I felt. Like he’d found eternal bliss.

  “Do you hear it?” Dory said.

  I felt like I should answer, but I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth and speak to her. All that mattered was listening to the music.

  Words formed among the melody. And with the words was the promise of knowledge like I had never imagined possible. If I went with the Sirens, I would know the past. I would see the future. I would contain every bit of knowledge in the universe. I could predict what would happen, well before it happened. Others would come to me for guidance. I would be a scholar beyond all others. Elder Pachis would bow down to me because my knowledge would be so great.

  From the center mast, Odysseus started crying. He begged the men to release him. I knew this is what he was doing, because I was doing the same. All I wanted, more than anything in the world, was access to that knowledge. The knowledge would set me free. It would pave the way for my life ahead.

  “Please let me loose,” I begged Dory.

  I don’t know if she heard. None of the guys did. And I stayed tied to the mast like that, even as the Siren song continued.

  If Dory wasn’t going to let me go, then I would have to find a way to free myself. I started moving my hands up and down, scraping the rope against the wood of the deck. Splinters dug into my wrists, but I didn’t care. I had to get free. The ropes were tight, but I made progress, and soon I could move them six inches. Then nearly a foot. A couple more seconds and I would escape.

  Except then Polites saw what I was doing and ran over to the mast where we were tied. He didn’t say a word, only bound new ropes around my wrists, even as I said horrible things to him, telling him what an awful person he was for not freeing me. I guess he couldn’t hear, seeing as how he had the wax stuffed in his ears. And then, once he’d finished binding me, he crossed his arms and positioned himself over me and waited.

  The song continued, even as the island of the Sirens slipped away. And just before their song was out of reach, their final words came, just for me.

  “Look to the seal, Homer,” one sang. “Look to the seal.”

  “The seal is the answer,” another sang. “The seal is the answer.”

  “The seal will set her free,” the third sang. “Set her free.”

  I clutched toward their words trying to hold on to them, but it was no use. We were too far. As their song drifted farther and farther away, I mapped out my plan. Once Dory and Polites cut me free, I would jump from the deck and swim back to the Sirens. They would give me the knowledge. And everything would be exactly as it should be.

  The sun crossed the sky, dipping toward the horizon behind us as the hours passed. The melody continued, but also faded, like the setting sun. And only when it dipped halfway below the sea, did Polites finally release me. I fell to the deck and lay curled in a ball, processing the bits of knowledge the Sirens had given. Or at least I tried to process them. When I searched my memories, they kept slipping away, almost like pieces of a dream. And I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what they’d said being so important.

  “Do you remember the song?” I asked Dory. Polites was back over by Odysseus cut
ting the ropes that bound him. Once free, he fell to the deck, just like I had.

  Dory leaned close and whispered. “There was no song, Homer.”

  “There was. Maybe you just couldn’t hear it.”

  Dory put her hands on her hips. “Oh, really. What did they say?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t remember. But it was there. It was … beautiful. And there was something about a …”

  “A what?” Dory asked.

  “A …” I tried to remember. I really did. But it seemed like the more I thought about it, the more it slipped out of my mind.

  “Yeah, well if you remember, let me know.”

  I looked around the deck, at the guys running from one side to the next, getting the ship ready for nightfall.

  “Everyone’s alive?” I asked Polites once he came back over to join us.

  “Every single one,” he said. “But Odysseus says—”

  “The worst is ahead,” Odysseus finished, walking up right then.

  “What do you mean, the worst is ahead?” I said. “You keep saying that. All the time. And I keep writing, recording the story. How can the worst be ahead? When are we going to get to Ithaca?”

  My voice was raised, but I didn’t care. This was getting flat out ridiculous. A witch. The Underworld. Sirens. What could possibly be next?

  Odysseus’ eyes softened. “I understand, Bard. A journey like this isn’t easy for any of us. And not all will stay the course. That makes the story even harder. But I promise you. We will get to Ithaca.”

  I wasn’t sure how he could be so sure. To me, it seemed like we were going from one death trap to the next.

  “We stay this course for the remainder of the week,” Odysseus said. “We rest when we can. Because that is when the worst will come.”

  Nothing was worse than everything we’d already been through. But whatever. That meant I had a week to catch up on the story. I’d write down everything I could remember about the Sirens. Maybe what they said would come back to me. Or maybe I was better off forgetting.

  DON’T STOP BELIEVING

  THE DAY STARTED OUT BAD AND GOT WORSE. DORY came up onto deck and told Odysseus we only had enough food for two more days. This didn’t make the men too happy.

  Okay, fine, I didn’t want to mention it, but they started kicking things around the deck and throwing temper tantrums like two-year-olds. Not that I remember throwing tantrums when I was two. Mom always said I did, but I’m not sure that I believe her.

  “Anyway, get on with the story, Homer,” Dory said.

  Right. On with the story.

  So, the guys were all upset. And Odysseus told them to cool it or he’d throw them overboard.

  No, he wouldn’t really have thrown them overboard.

  Wait, they did throw the old cook overboard before we’d come along.

  “Anyway …”

  Anyway, once he finally got them to settle down, Odysseus called a meeting. Yeah, meetings were not good. This meant the something bad that we’d been waiting for was getting close.

  “Rocks ahead,” Polites called from the crow’s nest.

  “And that’s what I want to talk to you all about,” Odysseus said. Then, he told us about the two monsters, because hey, one monster is never enough.

  “You can’t have two monsters,” Dory said, shaking her head.

  “What do you mean, I can’t have two monsters?” I asked as I scribbled down the story.

  “I mean you can’t have two monsters,” Dory said. “It’s too much.” She put her hands on her hips like she always did when she lectured me. “You might get your readers to believe in one monster. But when you start throwing two monsters at them, they can’t handle it. They’ll stop believing.”

  I scribbled, “Don’t stop believing,” in the margin, next to the text. I didn’t want people to lose faith.

  “I didn’t make up the story,” I said. And I went on writing, and Odysseus went on talking. He loved to hear himself speak.

  “The first is called Scylla,” Odysseus said.

  “I’ve heard stories of Scylla,” Eurylochus said. “She’s not all that scary.”

  I’ll give Odysseus credit. He didn’t even acknowledge the comment.

  “According to Circe …,” Odysseus started, but man, sometimes his stories could be so dry. He used all these big words that had nothing to do with the information he was trying to give. I figured he just thought they made him sound smarter.

  So I’ll summarize.

  There used to be this really hot girl named Scylla. Her mom was an equally hot sea nymph which is also pretty cool. Anyway, one day, get this, the girl made the gods mad. And if we’ve all learned one thing so far on this fun little adventure, it’s not to make the gods angry. But she did. And, of course, they turned her into a heinous monster, because that’s what happens when you make the gods mad.

  So yeah, now she’s a monster. She lives on a rock. And she eats people. But—and here’s the fun part—she has six heads, so she doesn’t eat just one person. She eats six. Every time she pounces.

  “So, if she pounced four times, she’d eat twenty-four of us,” Dory said. She loved the whole math thing and measured out ingredients when there was nothing else to do.

  “Yeah, twenty-four.”

  “And if she pounces five times,” Dory said. “Then we’re up to thirty.”

  I put up my hand. “Wait. There’s a way to keep her from pouncing more than once.”

  “Great,” Dory said. “What? Do we throw half the men overboard?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing like that. We have to pray to her mom. You remember, the hot sea nymph.”

  “Do you have to say ‘hot’?” Dory said. “It’s so degrading.”

  “What should I say?”

  “Really good looking?” she suggested.

  “Fine. Whatever. We pray to the really good looking sea nymph and ask her to ask her daughter to only pounce once.”

  “Great. So only six of us die,” Dory said. “How encouraging.”

  That’s when Odysseus started telling us about the other monster.

  “As for the other monster …”

  I summarized again.

  “Charybdis,” I said. “Nobody knows what she looks like.”

  “She?” Dory said. “If nobody knows what she looks like, how do you know she’s a girl?”

  I shrugged. “Because rumor has it that she’s the daughter of Poseidon.”

  “The god who hates us,” Dory said.

  “Yep,” I said. “And that would be a problem. Sure, she lives under the water. But, before you think we can just slip by, unnoticed, get this. Three times a day, Charybdis swallows a huge amount of water and then spits it back out, making whirlpools that can engulf ships whole.”

  “So, we just go past it not during those three times,” Eurylochus said. He smiled like he’d just solved the Pythagorean Theorem.

  “And what times are those?” Odysseus said, finally acknowledging the snot of a man.

  “You’re the leader,” Eurylochus said. “You tell us. What did the witch say?”

  “Circe,” Odysseus said, emphasizing her name, “said that the monster was completely unpredictable. That we would be much better off steering as close to Scylla as possible.”

  “And have six of us get eaten?” Pork said. “I don’t like that.”

  He did have a point.

  “Better six than our entire ship,” Odysseus said.

  He had a point, too.

  And because Odysseus was the king, we went with his plan. Here’s how it all went down.

  “I need the rowers to their oars,” Odysseus said.

  You’ve never seen guys move so fast. They dashed to the benches, all trying to get the farthest spot away from the edge of the boat. The fact that they were sitting low on the deck had to be an advantage.

  Next Odysseus had the rest of the guys lower and angle the masts so we’d veer toward the north, where Scylla lived, not the sou
th where Charybdis waited. He then asked for volunteers to pray to Scylla’s mom. Ten guys offered. Odysseus sent them to the front of the ship so their prayers would be closest to our impending doom. They dropped to their knees and prayed.

  And then the drum started, and the ship launched forward.

  “You should go below deck,” I said to Dory.

  “Are you kidding me, Homer?” she said.

  “No, I’m not kidding,” I said. “This is real. You could die.”

  “Like the ten other times I could have died but didn’t,” she said.

  “Still, I hate the idea of you up here.”

  “Why? Because I’m a girl?” she whisper-hissed. But she said it way too loud.

  “What was that?” Eurylochus said, spinning to face us.

  Crud.

  “Nothing,” I said.

  “It sounded like—” Eurylochus began.

  “We’re working on the story,” I said, holding up the scroll. The guys—even Eurylochus—knew to respect the scroll.

  He narrowed his eyes. “I suggest you work on it under the deck. Danger is ahead.” Then he headed to the back of the ship to stand by Polites and Odysseus.

  I knew one thing. I wasn’t leaving. If I got all my story info secondhand, it wasn’t going to be worth squat.

  “You need to be a little quieter,” I whispered to Dory. “Are you seriously trying to get the guys to throw you overboard? Because I’m pretty sure they will if they think it will help them get around these monsters.”

  Dory rolled her eyes. “Being a girl has nothing to do with all the problems we’ve had. That’s totally on Odysseus. If he wasn’t such an arrogant idiot, none of this would have happened.”

  She was right, but I didn’t think the guys would see it that way, especially if they thought it improved their odds of staying alive.

  We pulled forward, and when I saw what was ahead, my stomach got this awful feeling in it, like I’d eaten way too much greasy falafel. We were all going to die.

  No, that wasn’t going to happen. I had to get this story back to Elder Pachis. If I didn’t, Mom would lose not only Dad but me. I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t disappoint her.