Homer's Excellent Adventure Read online

  I rolled the scroll and tucked it inside my shirt and then stuffed the pen and ink in my pockets. I was not going to live through certain doom only to lose the story that I’d worked so hard to collect.

  The guys were tense, pulling on the ropes and holding onto the railing. None of them wanted to get eaten. And maybe, if their prayers were strong enough, none of them would. Scylla could take mercy on us and let us pass, untouched.

  Dory walked to the edge of the railing, near the front of the ship.

  I ran after her. “What are you doing?”

  She tossed her head back and faced forward. “I’m not going to let the monsters scare me.”

  “Are you stupid?” I said. “The monsters are scary. They should scare you.”

  “I’m not afraid of them,” she said.

  Was she kidding? She had to be, because in front of us was certain death like I’d never seen before. Huge rocks rose out of the water on either side of a tiny little passageway. It was hardly big enough for the boat to pass through unharmed even if there weren’t any monsters. The rocks looked like they had pointed spikes. If the ship hit them, that would be just one more way for us all to die.

  On the right, the water swirled and spun, spewing huge clouds of mist and water, like a tornado both sucking water down and spitting it back up. That was Charybdis. Fully active. There was no changing our minds now. We were going too fast. If we got near her, she’d drown us all.

  On the left, the water sat calm. Way too calm. And the rocks … There was nothing on them. Just spiky, scary rocks, but no Scylla.

  Odysseus put a finger to his lips, like maybe we could slip by unnoticed. Or maybe Scylla had gone away. Decided not to mess with us.

  “Where is she?” Dory whispered. Even though she was trying to act all brave, her fingers had turned white from where she clutched the railing. Mine had too. But I was fine with admitting that the holy crap was scared out of me.

  “I don’t know,” I whispered back.

  We continued forward, and Odysseus steered us closer to the empty shore, as far away from Charybdis as we could possibly get. Every single one of the guys had the same expression. It was a weird mix of confusion and fear and hope. Hope that Scylla was not there. And they were silent. As quiet as when we’d passed into the Underworld. The only sound was the swirling water of the whirlpool off to our right.

  I reached over and grabbed Dory’s hand, and she didn’t pull away. And we waited as our ship closed in.

  The bow of the ship reached the rocks and continued on. Still no Scylla. The men rowed, averting their eyes from the rocks, like maybe if they didn’t see any problems, there wouldn’t be any. I knew how they felt. It was like walking through a dark room, worrying about monsters under the bed.

  Onward the ship went, plowing through the water. We were halfway past. The rocks were quiet. Empty. I held my breath without realizing it. I didn’t want to risk making a single sound. Some of the guys’ mouths moved in silent prayer, still praying to Scylla’s mom for our lives.

  The ship was nearly through. The wind picked up, gently rustling over the rocks. Odysseus watched the shore the same as I did. Please let us get past. Just this once.

  But the wind made a horrible hissing sound, and out of a cave hidden in the rocks, the monster appeared. She flew up from her hiding place, six heads, six hungry mouths.

  “Row, men!” Odysseus shouted.

  She pounced, and each of her heads grabbed one of the guys. Some were rowers. Some were manning the sails. She wasn’t selective. And then, with the guys in her mouths, she vanished back into her terrible hiding place.

  THE SAD PARTS

  I KNEW THESE GUYS. EAR. THE GUY WHO HANGS out with Fish. Lefty. I liked these guys. And I didn’t want to think about them gone. But no matter how much I might have wanted to change what had just happened, there was no going back. Six of the guys were gone. And we were free from the monsters.

  Dory stared back at the rocky shore, like she was still trying to process what had happened.

  “How do you write about that, Homer?” she asked.

  I hadn’t gotten my scroll and pen out yet. I couldn’t. It was too soon. Too raw.

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. I think … that maybe there are times when we’re telling stories and bad things happen. And even if the story might be about adventure and Odysseus getting home, we have to talk about those bad things, too.”

  “But they’re sad,” she said, and she wiped a tear.

  I’d never seen Dory cry, but I didn’t mention it. I only wiped away my own tears. And our ship sailed forward, on toward Ithaca.

  WARNINGS OF THE DEAD

  IT WAS WAY LATE IN THE DAY WHEN THE SILENCE that had smothered our ship finally lifted.

  “Cook, how goes dinner?” Odysseus asked.

  Dory glared at him. “How can you think about food at a time like this?”

  Odysseus glanced over his shoulder and then turned back to us. “Because if I don’t think about food, then the men will begin to think about food, and if they find no food, then their already tense attitudes will shatter. Do you want their attitudes to shatter?”

  Another point for Odysseus. Another reason he was king. He was right. He had to think about these things ahead of time.

  “Come on,” I said, grabbing Dory’s arm. “I’ll help you get dinner ready.”

  She nodded without a word, and we headed below deck. I’d spent the better part of the day writing in silence. It amazed me how much I could get done with no distractions. No guys shouting. No singing. Just me and my story.

  “You realize we’re back to our original problem,” Dory said.

  “What problem?” I asked. Best I could remember, we’d left our problems behind when we passed by the two monsters.

  She held up an empty soup pot. “Food. We’re low on food.”

  Oh yeah. That was how the day started. And here we were, a horrible eight hours later, and that’s how it was ending.

  “Do you have enough to make anything for at least a few days?” I asked. “Odysseus says we’ll be back to Ithaca by then.”

  Dory erupted in a burst of laughter. “And you believe him?”

  “Shhh …,” I said, but she didn’t stop laughing. And pretty soon, I started laughing, too, because the entire thing was so ridiculous. We should have been to Ithaca over two years ago.

  We laughed until we cried, and then we laughed more. Tears streamed down our faces from all the emotions being released.

  “It doesn’t seem like you two are making dinner,” Polites said, coming into the galley.

  I clutched at my belly. It hurt from the exertion of the laughter.

  “We’re working on it,” Dory said, but she giggled again.

  Polites just shook his head. “Don’t let Odysseus see you.”

  And then he helped us figure out how we could make the remaining food stretch for a couple days. But that was going to be it. If we didn’t get to Ithaca tomorrow, we were going to have to start fishing again.

  WE DIDN’T SEE ANY LAND THE NEXT DAY. OR THE next. Or for a week. So much for Ithaca. But after nearly two weeks went by, Polites spotted an island.

  “Ahead!” he called and pointed to the south.

  Every head on deck swiveled to look. And there it was. A gem of an island brilliant and green and shining like the sun was casting down light just for it.

  Odysseus barreled to the middle of the deck and put up his hands. “We can’t stop there, men.”

  Yeah, you can imagine how well this went over. Nobody wanted to eat fish ever again.

  “We need to stop there,” Eurylochus said, sauntering over to Odysseus. He stood tall and then so did Odysseus, like they were trying to out-posture each other.

  “Out of the question,” Odysseus said and turned as if to go back to the helm.

  The guys started shouting. Odysseus ignored them. But Eurylochus saw it as the perfect opportunity to take charge. He lowered his head and said some
thing to the guys that I couldn’t hear. And then he headed to the back of the boat to where Odysseus stood.

  I followed behind him, sticking to the periphery like I did so much of the time.

  “There’s gonna be mutiny if you don’t stop,” Eurylochus said.

  “Mutiny because of you,” Odysseus snapped back. “You should be siding with me on this. Setting a unified front.”

  “Why?” Eurylochus said. “I think you’re making a horrible decision. We have to stop on this island. Would you just look at it?”

  “I don’t need to look at it,” Odysseus said. “I already know all that I need to know about the island.”

  “Which is what?”

  “Which is that this is the island of Thrinacia. You know, the place where Helios, the sun god, keeps his sacred cattle.”

  That explained why the sun shone right on the island.

  “So what?” Eurylochus said, and he licked his lips at the word ‘cattle.’

  “So what is that we can’t eat the cattle,” Odysseus said slowly, like he was talking to a three-year-old.

  “Fine,” Eurylochus said. “We don’t eat the cattle. Big deal. We stop. Get some rest. Find some water. Some other food. And then we finish our journey.”

  “No,” Odysseus said.

  “Yes,” Eurylochus said.

  “What part of no are you not hearing?” Odysseus said.

  “The part that is making you irrational,” Eurylochus said. “There is no reason for us to not stop on the island.”

  “We’ve been warned to not stop here,” Odysseus said. “Not once, but twice.”

  “Twice,” Eurylochus said. “By who? The witch?”

  “Circe,” Odysseus said, emphasizing her name, “was one of them.”

  “I’m done listening to the witch,” Eurylochus said. “And so are the men.”

  “Then will they listen to the prophet in the Underworld?” Odysseus said.

  “Prophecies are for fools,” Eurylochus said.

  “You speak lunacy,” Odysseus said. “Tiresias himself warned me not to eat the cattle. And Circe herself said there would be only sorrow that would come from us stopping.”

  “What sorrow?” Eurylochus said. “The men are at their end. They need this. Just look at them, man.”

  So Odysseus did. And so did I. And I saw what Eurylochus was talking about. The guys had been through horrible things. Terrible things. And I wasn’t sure what worse could come. We’d already lost so much. Eurylochus could be right. Just a short little stop on the island.

  “Nobody can touch the cattle,” Odysseus said, finally relenting. “If they do, I kill them myself.”

  “As you say,” Eurylochus said, and then he left, heading back to the guys to share the good news.

  “You think it’s the right decision?” I asked Odysseus.

  Odysseus kept his eyes on the island of Thrinacia. “No, Bard. I don’t.”

  PEACHES AND CREAM

  A HUGE DOCK EXTENDED NEARLY HALF A MILE OUT to sea. The guys steered us close and then tied us to the dock. And when their feet hit the wooden planks, at least seven of them fell to the boards and kissed them.

  I didn’t kiss the dock, and neither did Dory. Instead, we waited until everyone else had filed off the boat, and then we trailed behind. But when the guys got to the shore and saw, up close, the lush trees filled with fruit, a huge cheer erupted. They started singing a song about how awesome and fantastic Odysseus was. He, of course, raised his hand and waved and smiled and basked in all their attention. But then he glanced around and motioned for them to be quiet.

  “The real one you should be thanking is Helios, god of the sun,” Odysseus said.

  “That’s a first,” Dory whispered.

  I stifled my laugh, but she was right. Odysseus didn’t share the spotlight with anyone. Or at least the old Odysseus hadn’t. But the last few years had changed all of us.

  “He’s learning,” Polites said, ruffling both of our hair.

  Dory shook him off and glared at him.

  “Praise Helios, god of the sun!” one of the guys yelled, and they all joined in. And then they all ran for the fruit trees.

  I wasn’t stupid. The fruit was ripe and plump and looked like it would burst with flavor. And even though there was so much of it—I could have eaten nothing but peaches for the rest of my life on this island—I still was overwhelmed with the feeling that I had to get to it before the guys ate it all. So, I ran through the sand and gorged myself until I couldn’t eat another bite. And even after that, I crammed another bite into my mouth and then leaned against the tree and fell asleep.

  THE GUYS HAD A FIRE GOING WHEN I WOKE UP. I looked around for Dory but couldn’t find her anywhere. My heart raced. Now, of all times, they couldn’t find out she was a girl. They’d blame her for everything. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and wandered to the fire.

  There she was, sitting around the fire, like one of the guys. We really should cut her hair. Or put a do-rag on her or something. Not that guys didn’t wear their hair long. It’s just that they looked like dudes with longish hair. She looked more and more like a girl.

  “Let me repeat,” Odysseus was saying. “We do not eat the cattle.”

  Pork scratched his head. “And why is that again?” Even in the firelight, I could see trails of fruit juice running down his beard and neck.

  Odysseus gritted his teeth. “Because they’re the sacred cattle of Helios.”

  “He’s a god, right?” Skinner said.

  “Yes. He’s a god.”

  “So, we can’t eat the cattle,” Tailor said. “Can we milk the cattle?”

  Milk would have been delicious.

  “Do you think golden cattle make golden milk?” I whispered to Dory.

  “I don’t think so, Homer,” she said.

  “If they did, do you think it would taste like milk or like gold?” I said.

  “It’s irrelevant,” Dory said. “They don’t make golden milk.”

  “You don’t know that,” I said.

  “We’re not going to find out.”

  “No,” Odysseus said. “You cannot milk the cattle.”

  “Do you think they have golden milk?” Skinner asked.

  I smacked Dory on the side. “See, I’m not the only one who thought about it.”

  “You’re comparing yourself to Skinner?” she whispered.

  Good point.

  “Next question,” Odysseus said.

  “This is the tenth time he’s had to explain it to them,” Polites said, sitting down near us.

  “So, if we can’t eat the cattle or milk the cattle, can we pet the cattle?” Pork asked.

  “No. You can’t pet the cattle. You can’t touch the cattle. Let’s just go with this,” Odysseus said. “You can’t even let your eyes look upon the cattle. Does everyone understand that?”

  The guys seemed to consider this.

  Finally, Skinner said, “Polites only has one eye. Is he allowed to look at the cattle?”

  Odysseus didn’t bother responding.

  “Here’s the plan, men,” he said. “We sleep through the night. In the morning, we gather supplies. Cook will let us know how much we need for our short journey back to Ithaca.”

  I groaned at that.

  “We collect the supplies. And then we set off, on our way. Understood?”

  The guys nodded. Or at least most of them did, except for Pork.

  “If I close my eyes, and happen to stumble into a cow, does that count as touching it?”

  Odysseus fixed his eyes on Pork. “Don’t. Touch. The. Cattle.”

  Of all the things I’d be doing in the next twenty-four hours, touching the cattle was not one of them.

  “You two should stay near me tonight,” Polites said, eyeing the guys. A few of them still cast Dory strange glances, like they knew something was up with her. Or him, since they still thought she was a dude. Or at least I hoped they did.

  “You think they know?” I asked a
s quietly as possible.

  “They don’t know,” Dory said.

  But Polites said, “They might. Eurylochus has been stirring up any trouble he can.”

  That was not a good sign. I wasn’t letting Dory out of my sight ever again. If they found out, she’d never even make it to Ithaca. And that was not how I wanted her story to end.

  Dory and I each found a soft spot of sand. I’m not sure if Polites ever fell asleep, because I was up long into the night since I’d taken such a huge nap. With his one good eye, he watched the sea. He watched the guys. He watched Odysseus. But he especially watched Eurylochus. And Eurylochus, in turn, watched Dory.

  WHEN I WOKE UP, IT SOUNDED LIKE THE GODS WERE banging together pots and pans and causing all kinds of mayhem. The sky lit up with lightning, and thunder boomed across the world, rousing me from what had actually been an amazing sleep.

  “What now?” I asked. This was getting ridiculous.

  “A storm,” Polites said, and he stood up and adjusted his sword and belt, like somehow he was off to fight the sky to make it stop.

  I nudged Dory with my elbow. How she managed to sleep through something like this was unreal. Each bang of thunder shook my bones, and the lightning was so bright, even in the dull morning sky, that it left little flashes every time I blinked.

  “Why’d you wake me?” Dory said.

  I didn’t have to answer. The thunder did. And then, the rain started. It poured down from above like pebbles, hitting my head so hard, I thought it might drive right through my skull and into my brain. That would not be good.

  We ran for the cover of the fruit trees. And yes, I know that hiding under a tree during a lightning storm isn’t such a great idea, but it’s not like there was much choice. It was that or get our hair torn off from the rain.

  Dory and I sat huddled under one tree. The guys huddled under some others. Eurylochus moved from tree to tree, talking to the guys. And the whole time, Odysseus watched him.

  Didn’t he see what Eurylochus was up to? He was totally trying to turn everyone on board against Odysseus. And the thing was, even though Eurylochus was an annoying idiot, with every day that went by, a lot of the guys actually listened to him more than they did Odysseus. That wasn’t ideal. If they sided with Eurylochus, there was nothing to stop them from taking over the crown once we got back to Ithaca.